Current mood:

depressed

the breaking up.....
**Do not be angry with you fellow Brujah for how they treat you. They seek only to test your mettle, to make you stronger.**


noup....i don't think so......

he arrived on monday, i wasn't the first person he called, but he arrived to my place right after checking out his old appartment.....

the scene was touching, my friend Miguel was there, i opened the door and jumped to his arms, we cried, we hughed, kissed, his eyes told me how much he missed me, and so did mine..... and we actually said it, i missed you....... we both said it......

Miguel left all touched after the "reencuentro scene", Joe and i sat on my couch, he inmediatelly started talking about how bad he felt, how depressed he was, he cried a lot, i was just sitting in front of him all mixed up and trying to understand his complex mind and thoughts.......
he said he was so sorry for not being the boyfriend he was supposed to be, he pormessed to be....he said he really loved me but this was his worst depression ever.....

but being with you reminds me those days we spent together, and just the fact of being here with you calms me a lot and makes me feel better, he said.....

after he told me all about how bad he felt, we talked about what i've been doing, he saw my b day party pictures, we talked and talked for hours, then we made love ( for the last time.....), it was beautiful, he took me to a very weird state of mind,....he almost hypnotises me......i was like in a dream, and i really mean the hypnosis thing....
after making love in that strange but beautiful way we cuddled and talked a lot, we laugh a lot, we seemed happy, I WAS HAPPY!, and he at least seemed happy.....

his friends were calling to his cell, i thought he was gonna spend the night with me, but he told me he wanted to se his friends too and he had lots of things to fix ( the hacienda thing, his ex job thing, his appartment thing, his cell phone debt thing, etc )....

on tuesday i called him all day and he acted like another person, all indiferent....he wouldn't see me, he wouldn't have time for me, lots of problems.....i cried a lot, but i tried to understand him.....
he promessed to spend all wednesday wirh me..... we were supposed to dine with some friends of mine at my favourite place.....

wednesday, 4.00 pm, he arrived to my place crying, he looked bad, ( alcohol and drugs were involved i must say.....)he sat on my couch right next to me, grabbed my hand and started talking...
again the "i'm in the worst stage of my life" speech.......

me pidio perdon mil veces, perdon por hacerme sufrir, por no haber hecho lo que tenia que hacer, por no haber cumplido lo que prometio y por lastimarme....

he said he was sorry for everything, specially for making me feel bad, for making me sad, he made a huge emphasis on that, syl i'm really sorry i made you feel bad, i'm really sorry i hurted you it wasn't on purpose i swear........he said.......

he said he really loved me.....

he didn't stop crying, i cried a lot too......

he said he didn't wanted to hurt me anymore.......

he was about to leave, i stopped him.....just to ask him where dod all those promesses, all those moments of joy, all those feelings went.....he said, i don't know, i just can't find them anymore.....

donde quedo lo que sentias por mi Joe, donde quedaron los dias en que no podias estar sin mi, donde quedaron las promesas, nuestros planes, lo que sentias por mi......no se syl, ya no puedo encontrarlos, no se.........

en toda tu pinche vida no te vas a lastimar lo suficiente como para entender como me has lastimado, y sabes que eres como todos los demas, prometiste muchas cosas y no cumpliste nada, y siempre me dijiste que las cosas se median en hechos no en palabras.....


y el contesto,te lo repito syl, las cosas se miden en hechos no en palabras, yo no he ehcho nada mas que hacerte sentir mal, ahi lo tiees ya no puedo hacerte mas daño.....es el peor momento de mi vida, necesito ayuda y ya no te quiero lastimar, si quieres verme como a todos los demas, hazlo,,....perdon, te quiero mucho, ya me voy a mexico....suerte y que te vaya bien.....

he was crying and standing in front of me, i was crying like crazy sitting on the couch ( mas bien estaba hecha bolita como en posicion fetal ) he approached me and tried to hugh me, i pushed him away and shoute him, Vete Joe, vete ya!.....he touched my head, blowed me a kiss and said, perdoname syl, por favor perdoname.......he stood in the door for 5 seconds watching me cry and he left.......

forever i guess........