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Sunday, September 15th, 2002
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11:55 am - a lot to say so get ready for a posting whore....
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yesterday Itia called me, when i said hello she sang to me: Silvis mi amor te extra?o mas de lo que crees, uuuoooo silvis mi amor d?a con d?a escribire, ouuuuuuu....and teh rest of the song.....i know she really loves me ( bueno me quiere no de amor de aMISTAD) but sometimes her attitudes makes me think she just uses me.....anyways, she's my friend, i love her too, but know i now what i can trust her and what not.....
i arrived to her parents house ( a couple of blocks away from my parent's house )and we hugged and i was all happy to see her, we both were.... she looks gorgeous as usual, she gained some weight but she's still that gorgeous cuban girl.....
we went to a bar and had a lot of fun, but then something spooky happened....we went to eat some tacos ( very good tacos btw ) and there we were with a couple of jerks ( i'll talk about the jerks later....) paulina, itia, the jerks and i, i had to arrive home early cuz my mom is still the typical traditional mexican mom ( mientras estes en esta casa tienes que llegar a una hora decente, en tu casa haz lo que quieras )so paulina started saying we should be leaving, suddenly her eyes started rolling, she was extremely pale and she convulsed. Itia and i were very scared and the jerks were in shock, we didn't know what to do, it was awful , an awful impotence feeling...she stopped convulcing and we took her out the taco place she breath and said i'm fine i had nothing, nothing happened....she felt better instantly...
the weird thing here ( well weird for me cuz i don't know how convulsions usually happen) is that she says she felt sleep and she dreamed someone called her and she just followed him into a light....she didn't realize about what happened she thought she felt sleep.......
i'm very worried about her...i guess she's going to the doctor today, the problem also is that she thinks Itia and i were over reacting cuz she felt nothing but a dream.....
gosh.....how odd......
and that was the end of the night........
current mood:  worried
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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11:54 am - i'm back
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| Sunday, August 25th, 2002
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10:11 am - destiny, fate luck or just shit.....
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i spent the last 48 hours partying and drinking, i didn't attend school on friday..... ( y que bueno, solo tngo una clase y esta de weba.....), i know i shouldn't do thar, my health is very sensitive, i know i can't pass the limits, i'm even thinking in not going to the campus party next thursday.... ( but i will go i know....)
last thursday there was a prty in the appartament tht is in front of mine and somehow the party ended up in my appartment, i had so much fun, but the cleaning on friday wasn't that fun.....
mis amigas y yo nos juntamos el viernes a hechar chisme y vino y de ahi por azares del destino termine en la fiesta en casa de Carlos.....
Mela se regresa a Paris ma?ana, me encanta esa ni?a es un amor, que lastima que no la conoci antes...... pero ya estubo que me voy a Francia aunque sea a visitarla.....
current mood:  weird
current music: high hopes, pink floyd
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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10:06 am - hormones raising make me horny & depressed.....
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what could be the reason why i feel weird....
*The fact that i do like Carlos, but i'm building a huge wall between us, the fact that i don't even know if he's gonna call, the fact that i won't believe anything about him, he was all tender and stuff and i was cold, i'm scared, very scared, no quiero sufrir...
*The fact that somehow i don't feel ready to be with a guy yet
*The fact that i had this awful dream, starring Joe of course, i wake up and it was so real that i woke up all sad...
*JC, he's in love with me and i've been just playing with him, that's bad young lady....eso se llama culpa creo, cargo de conciencia o no se.....
*dunno, just a freaking weird shitty feeling.....
*migh be the spm, i'm supposed to get my period until the 30th but my boobs are all sensitive and i'm in a sad mood, so i guess it could be the spm.... i hate hormones......
current
current mood: weird
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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10:00 am - Carliche
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on friday i went partying with Mela my french girlfriend, she introduced me her friends, they're very nice people, kinda freak though..... and i liked one of them, his name is Carlos, he's so cute, tall, white, skinny, curly black hair and very cute face....we made out and shit, there definately was a connection, i did liked him, he liked me, but i still don't feel sure of wanting somebody by myside, not yet.....
he's very smart, es medio denso y freak y padro hehhehe pero m gusta, al menos puedo platicar con el de cosas decentes, ama la filosofia por cierto....
he was supposed to call me today but i got weird, me dio miedo, o no se que paso, pero prefri no saber si me llamaba o no..... and i came to my parents place....i don't know if he called, i lost my cell phone yesterday so he can't call me there....
i feel very weird and don't know exactly why.......
current mood:  excited
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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| Sunday, August 18th, 2002
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3:28 pm - Gael, Joe and the blue eyes cuttie
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i can still hear the echoes from last friday....oh my gosh did i enjoy myself.....hell yeah!!!!
tomorrow scholl starts again.....weba, weba weba, no tengo ganas de ir, i do wanna go to see my girlfriends but i know is gonna be a hard semester....i lost my scheddule and i don't know where's my first class tomorrow, of course i can get a new shceddule but i'm gonna have to pay 20 pesos and wait for a hours in a line of morons like me who also lost their sheddules....pathetic....
tonight i'll watch El Crimen del Padre Amaro and i'm gonna get an instant orgasm watching GAEL on screen....
well i hope things go well in school, there's gonna be lotta gossip about joe & syl breaking up but i don't give a fuck, hopefully alguien hace algo mas cabron y se olvidan de syl & joe, the weirdest couple of the summer........
current mood:  horny
current music: hella good
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(2 SwEeT dEaTh tOuCh s | GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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| Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
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6:10 pm - el brujah que me chingo la vida
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ya se acabo el verano....no lo puedo creer, summer it's over..... parece que fue ayer, pero neta ayer, lo veo muy cercano, los dias en que Joe y yo no hibamos a la escuela por quedarnos en su casa cuddeling, abrazaditos, ahi nadamas, juntos......
los ultimos dias de clases a los que no asistimos por quedarnos en casa a vivir nuestro sue?o.....si hubiera sabido......
los 15 dias en la ciudad de M?xico, hermosos, la ultima semana juntos aca en Queretaro, el dia que se fue a La Paz, los dias en los que tenia que hacer un enorme esfuerzo para sacudirme la tristeza de no estar a su lado para poderme concentrar y ponerme a estudiar como loca.....
los dias grises y tristes, mi llanto bajo la lluvia, llorando por un extra?o presentimiento de que las cosas no estaban bien, de que algo pasaba..... el dia de mi fiesta en la que tuve que abusar de el alcohol para sacarme el dolor del alma, del corazon.....
el dia de mi cumplea?os, cuando una peque?a lucecita ilumino mis esperanzas..... los dias cercanos a su llegada cuando no cabia de emocion por que lo hiba a ver, los planes, la esperanza, el sentimiento....la inocencia del reencuentro, la emocion de voloverlo a ver.....
la tristeza de verlo partir, para siempre....
la desesperacion de hace una semana o dos, cuando no podia ni respirar sin sentirme miserable, usada, abandonada, tonta......
y asi se pasaron 3 meses, rapidisimo......parec que ayer fue cuando despertaba en sus brazos....lo veia dormir, lo abrazaba y me decia a mi misma: ojala esto nunca se acabe....
current mood:  melancholy
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(34 SwEeT dEaTh tOuCh s | GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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6:08 pm - bonita la semana pero aun me tienes como estupida, fuck u brujah
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the week has been fine,on Monday Ruth came back from Chicago,we went to her place and chatted a lot, we watched the fast and the furious or something like that.....
i loved the Michelle Rodriguez character....and Vin Diesel too, such a hottie.....
yesterday we went to a pool bar, JC tried to teach me how to play, i kinda learned, it was fun....while the guys were playing pool i was telling Ruth the whole thing about Joe....the breakup details...she agreed with me.....Maldito Perro......she's his best girlfriend but she agreed with me anyways.... i had fun, JC was so cute....he's been sending me the sweetest messages to my cell phone....
Mi bombon has been such a cuttie too, damn! i guess i shouldn't be dating both, specially cuz i know i feel nothing for them.....ambos me laten, pero ahorita no, ademas no son lo que quiero, y peor aun, tengo planes de no andar con nadie en un buen rato.......
i'm gonna dump them very smoothly next week when school starts....
i won't have time anyways....
7am-2pm School
4pm-7pm Social Service
7pm-9pm Alliance Francaise
.....vacations are over.....monday morning, school again.....
current mood: melancholy
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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| Sunday, August 11th, 2002
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5:09 pm - boring sunday
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very very boring....
i just came back from the movies, i invited dad to watch minority report, i've already seen it though, it was cool, i'm supposed to call my girlfriends to go to the coffee, but i'm gonna watch Felicity first.....
i probably won't be online next week, my notebook's space bar is not working so i have to take it to the compaq compu care so that they fix it in there......
my dad is supposed to get a vaio and then he will give me his toshiba and i will sell my compaq to Paulina, i want a notebook with dvd, the toshiba has it my compaq doesn't.....
Mi bombon sent me an e mail, he's so on to me......
JC will call in approx. 1 hour to ask me out, i won't even answer the cell though.....
yesterday i saw this book and i so want it, would somebody buy it for me.....???
half of my class is going to spain next september for a year....so i'm planning on visit them on december and then, voila! la france......
nothing sure yet....we all know how a tiny fact can change my life plans completely..........
current mood:  blah
current music: Elemento N, Nortec Collective
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(2 SwEeT dEaTh tOuCh s | GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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11:05 am - pinche brujah me has de tener amarrada cabron
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yesterday as usual we went to the coffee shop, as every saturday, that sat activity is very particular of me, everyone knows where to find me on a saturday afternoon, from 7pm to 11pmm, the cofee shop......
Paulina didn't know about Joe and i, she did but not the details so i told her the story, she was very nice, she told me he did the best he could, she told me he obviously has problems and the best he could have done was getting away from me so that his problems wouldn't eat me ......
i told them about the weird feeling i have, i am happy, i feel fine, things are going fin, but there's something that still makes me feel weird, como si tuviera un peque?o alfiler clavado, duele un poco, muy poco, pero ahi esta y es molesto.....
like a lil hole on my soul.......
i invited dad to the movies today, so we're going there and after i'll go to the coffee shop again....:)
tomorrow morning i'll leave to Queretaro..... i was supposed to date JC this afternoon but i rather stay here, i don't wanna go to queretaro until tomorrow.....
i can't hardly wait to watch El Crimen del Padre Amaro , mi novio Gael in on it.......
current mood:  aggravated
current music: nortec
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(7 SwEeT dEaTh tOuCh s | GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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| Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
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10:04 pm - Tijuana for Dummies
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Tijuana, ciudad de músicos y poetas. Ciudad de turistas de a dólar y de prostitutas de a veinte. Ciudad industrial y moderna donde los burros se disfrazan de Zebra. Lugar de drogas baratas y de promesas caras. Tijuana la frontera de cristal y del cristal. El limbo donde comienza y termina el tercer mundo. Tijuana de vino tinto y de tequila poppers, de lesbianas y travestis. Tijuana de Mc Donald´s y de Tacos. Ciudad de moteles de paso, en donde las chicas creen que habrá un futuro. Tijuana de autopistas bajo los cerros. De celulares “el que llama paga” y de internet por cable. Tijuana la de los baches, la de los bares. Tijuana la de los mitos, la de las leyendas. Tijuana la ciudad magnicida: el mismísimo ombligo del mundo. Ciudad de imágenes inimaginables, ciudad de realidades irreales. Tijuana un juego de espejos, un juego de reflejos. Tijuana donde la realidad se samplea en loops interminables. Tijuana: Ciudad T. En donde lo mismo da ser conservador o radical. De ultra derecha o de ultra izquierda, siempre y cuando pagues tu cerveza, nadie te dirá nada. En Ciudad T la realidad de la fusión es el sentido propio de la existencia.
y ademas de todo esto es la ciudad que pudrio y vio crecer al wey que vino a desmadrarme la vida y a perforarme el alma.....y asi es el asi como se describe la ciudad en este texto......
ojala nunca salgas de tu depresion y te des un tiro cabron....
no no es cierto, no puedo, aun lo amo.....ademas ( por mas que trataste de inducirme a la maldad) soy buena, soy una peneja y buena persona que no puede desearle a ese cabron que ojala se mate......
Ojala mas bien pronto dejes las drogas, salgas de tu depresion, se arreglen tus pedos familiares y logres hacer todo lo que siempre has querido.......
confio en tu capacidad, en tu retorcido cerebro, y sobre todo en tu sangre...recuerda lo que eres......recuerda......
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: Tijuana for Dummies, Nortec
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(8 SwEeT dEaTh tOuCh s | GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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| Sunday, August 4th, 2002
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4:29 pm - active??? not anymore
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 You Have an Active Ass!Hey, you're not a slut. You just like it up the butt. Get that ass over here, And take it up the rear. What Ass Do *You* Have??
it was very active actually, now it seems like it is not gonna be active for a while....damn, that jerk was awesome in sex too....that's gonna be hard to replace.....
i do love him and miss him and shit, but also he gave me the most intense sex of my life.......
nimodo, al celibato.........abstinence is not gonna do me any good.....
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(4 SwEeT dEaTh tOuCh s | GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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12:28 pm - boredom and depression....and voila!!!!
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| Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
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1:04 pm - the breaking up.....
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**Do not be angry with you fellow Brujah for how they treat you. They seek only to test your mettle, to make you stronger.**
noup....i don't think so......
he arrived on monday, i wasn't the first person he called, but he arrived to my place right after checking out his old appartment.....
the scene was touching, my friend Miguel was there, i opened the door and jumped to his arms, we cried, we hughed, kissed, his eyes told me how much he missed me, and so did mine..... and we actually said it, i missed you....... we both said it......
Miguel left all touched after the "reencuentro scene", Joe and i sat on my couch, he inmediatelly started talking about how bad he felt, how depressed he was, he cried a lot, i was just sitting in front of him all mixed up and trying to understand his complex mind and thoughts.......
he said he was so sorry for not being the boyfriend he was supposed to be, he pormessed to be....he said he really loved me but this was his worst depression ever.....
but being with you reminds me those days we spent together, and just the fact of being here with you calms me a lot and makes me feel better, he said.....
after he told me all about how bad he felt, we talked about what i've been doing, he saw my b day party pictures, we talked and talked for hours, then we made love ( for the last time.....), it was beautiful, he took me to a very weird state of mind,....he almost hypnotises me......i was like in a dream, and i really mean the hypnosis thing....
after making love in that strange but beautiful way we cuddled and talked a lot, we laugh a lot, we seemed happy, I WAS HAPPY!, and he at least seemed happy.....
his friends were calling to his cell, i thought he was gonna spend the night with me, but he told me he wanted to se his friends too and he had lots of things to fix ( the hacienda thing, his ex job thing, his appartment thing, his cell phone debt thing, etc )....
on tuesday i called him all day and he acted like another person, all indiferent....he wouldn't see me, he wouldn't have time for me, lots of problems.....i cried a lot, but i tried to understand him.....
he promessed to spend all wednesday wirh me..... we were supposed to dine with some friends of mine at my favourite place.....
wednesday, 4.00 pm, he arrived to my place crying, he looked bad, ( alcohol and drugs were involved i must say.....)he sat on my couch right next to me, grabbed my hand and started talking...
again the "i'm in the worst stage of my life" speech.......
me pidio perdon mil veces, perdon por hacerme sufrir, por no haber hecho lo que tenia que hacer, por no haber cumplido lo que prometio y por lastimarme....
he said he was sorry for everything, specially for making me feel bad, for making me sad, he made a huge emphasis on that, syl i'm really sorry i made you feel bad, i'm really sorry i hurted you it wasn't on purpose i swear........he said.......
he said he really loved me.....
he didn't stop crying, i cried a lot too......
he said he didn't wanted to hurt me anymore.......
he was about to leave, i stopped him.....just to ask him where dod all those promesses, all those moments of joy, all those feelings went.....he said, i don't know, i just can't find them anymore.....
donde quedo lo que sentias por mi Joe, donde quedaron los dias en que no podias estar sin mi, donde quedaron las promesas, nuestros planes, lo que sentias por mi......no se syl, ya no puedo encontrarlos, no se.........
en toda tu pinche vida no te vas a lastimar lo suficiente como para entender como me has lastimado, y sabes que eres como todos los demas, prometiste muchas cosas y no cumpliste nada, y siempre me dijiste que las cosas se median en hechos no en palabras.....
y el contesto,te lo repito syl, las cosas se miden en hechos no en palabras, yo no he ehcho nada mas que hacerte sentir mal, ahi lo tiees ya no puedo hacerte mas daño.....es el peor momento de mi vida, necesito ayuda y ya no te quiero lastimar, si quieres verme como a todos los demas, hazlo,,....perdon, te quiero mucho, ya me voy a mexico....suerte y que te vaya bien.....
he was crying and standing in front of me, i was crying like crazy sitting on the couch ( mas bien estaba hecha bolita como en posicion fetal ) he approached me and tried to hugh me, i pushed him away and shoute him, Vete Joe, vete ya!.....he touched my head, blowed me a kiss and said, perdoname syl, por favor perdoname.......he stood in the door for 5 seconds watching me cry and he left.......
forever i guess........
current mood:  depressed
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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| Wednesday, July 24th, 2002
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9:09 pm - so kinky
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9:06 pm - Happy day!!! sarcasm of course
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well Queretaro was fine, nothing new, i ran onto some friends.....
Nice shiny day....andsilly syl los in her own mind, in all the colliding feelings....
my social service shit seems to be done already, i'll start it on the 5th...
tomorrow i'll leave to Guanajuato, 7 am, the film fest begins at 9am.....
i'll try to have as much fun as possible and avoid alcohol as much as possible too...
i'll be back on sunday, maybe monday....
why is it that now that i have stuff todo everybody writes on their journals......
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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| Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
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3:47 pm - how come
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why the fuck was it that i risked myself so much, how was it that i gave everything, when did i became so stupid and so sensitive? and how the fuck am i gonna deal with all that shit now?
damn! i feel like shit and i hate that, me caga sentirme asi por ese cabron y mas que se que en un rato mas me voy a arepentir de no estar en francia tirandome a todos los franceces que se cruzaran en mi camino y pasandomela poca madre......
me caga, me siento de la mierda y estoy trapped aqui.....mañana me voy a Queretaro y espero que el Jueves a Guanajuato...
aun le voy a hechar ganas, aun lo voy a intentar, que en mi no quede, y si no se puede pues tendre que regresar a ser la misma, o talvez podria aprender de esto y mejorar.....nel.... mejor volver a ser la misma mierda de corazon vacio.......
ojala nunca te hubiera contestado esa llamada....
current mood: depressed
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(4 SwEeT dEaTh tOuCh s | GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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3:43 pm - the fucking letter
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Espero atreverme a darsela, aun no, pero si todo sigue asi, pues si.... y lo mas seguro es que siga asi.... y es mejor irse preparando...
Joe:
Todo ha sido hermoso, todo, ha sido como un sueño, algo que nunca crei que hiba a vivir, un hermosisimo sueño, pero como todos los sueños algun dia teniamos que despertar.
te agardesco TODO, pero asi T O D O, no solo lo que hiciste, dijiste, sino mil cosas mas, todas y cada una de las partecitas que hicieron de ese sueño algo maravilloso. neta mil gracias, no tienes una idea de lo que me ayudaste y de lo que me dejas. siempre vas a ser muy importante para mi, pase lo que pase, siempre vas a estar ahi.
Desgraciadamente el sueño tenia que terminar, ahora vivimos otro sueño, el sueño de que las cosas entre nosotros van a ser igual que aquellos dias en Queretaro y en México....
La verdad es que no es asi, no va a ser asi. Me he preguntado muchas veces desde que te fuiste si vale la pena estar asi, si valio la pena lo que deje por ti, si vale la pena lo que hago por ti, si vale la pena lo triste que me siento por ti. y sabes que? si lo vale, para mi lo vale, pero para nuestra relacion solo valdria si tu pusieras de tu parte lo mismo que pongo yo, y no lo haces. entonces de nada vale lo que yo haga por que se necesita de los dos para hacer que esto funcione.
Poco a poco te fuiste transformando en otra persona, o mas bien volviste a ser quien eras antes. y aun asi te quiero, te amo, te lo he dicho mil veces, te lo he demostrado, te he entregado todo. pero no ha servido, sirvio en su momento pero ahora ya no.
Ahora tu quieres volver a ser el mismo, volver a tus planes, retomar tu vida como era antes, vivir libremente, poder hacer y deshacer sin ningun problema, sin nada que te ate a ningun lado, sin ningun sentimiento. yo tambien tenia muchos planes, y se que en el fondo tambien quisiera poder retomarlos aunque con ellos signifique dejarte.
Ya no puedo ser tu novia, en realidad ya no lo soy, soy solo el recuerdo de lo que paso hace unos meses alla en Queretaro, en Abril, te acuerdas??
ahi si era tu novia, no tenia el titulo oficial, pero lo era, estaba contigo, me hacias sentir cosas inexplicables, vivimos juntos muchas cosas inolvidables, nos entregamos, prometimos muchas cosas e hicimos mas.
pero se acabo Joel, te fuiste, y ya nada va a poder ser igual, aunque nos esforzemos, se nescesita que nos esforzemos los dos y que ambos dejemos muchas cosas.... y eso obviamente no va a pasar... no me arrepiento de nada pero creo que es mejor dejarlo asi, como un hermosisimo sueño del cual tuvimos que despertar.
ojala hubiera funcionado, te amo y te extraño
syl
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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3:15 pm
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as i said, no hiba a gastar mi lana en hablarle solo para darme cuenta de que le vale madre nuestra relacion....mejor que gaste el su lana, solo para darme cuenta de lo mismo.....bueno pero me ahorre una lana, no?
current mood: depressed
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(2 SwEeT dEaTh tOuCh s | GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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11:47 am - i'm back
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i guess i'm gonna be back here, at least while classes start, there's a lotta free time so, here i am....
me caga sentirme asi,....
estos no han sido dias de sentirme muy bien que digamos.....mas bien esta weird el pedo....
i hate to feel like this,....
so many things has happen....i'm supposed to be in love now, and going into a fucking crisis on what the fuck am i gonna do with my life now that i'm on my senior college year....
well life sux, well not that much, i'm just gettin insane again....
i'm going to Guanajuato city for the weekend there's gonna be a Film Fest in there.....my girlfriend V.C: might go with me....i was gonna invite my boyfriend but the jerk hasn't call yet and i'm not spending my money on calling him to mexico freakin city just to find out he's not going anywhere with me and he doens't give a fuck on our relationship anymore......
well whatever, i guess it wasn't such a good idea comin' to my parent's place this 2 weeks..... anyways if i stayed at my place it would had been boring anyways....
if i weren't so fucking in love i wouldn have done a massive orgy in my appartment.......
current mood: bored
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(GImmE the SwEeT tOuCh of dEaTh)
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